Creating a Good Marriage and Good Relationships

There’s been a discussion on the Returned Missionary Moms list that I am on.  It was about marriage and how to improve a frustrating situation.  Here is the advice that I sent in.  One lady asked to share it, so I thought– “Hey, if  it’s good enough for her to share with her kids, maybe I should be sharing, too!”

A few years ago, I was cleaning my house and someone had left the TV on. I’m not sure what show was on, but I heard a lady complaining about her husband. I stopped to listen and heard her say something to the effect that she just wished her husband would come home and not go to the bar, that he would love her and her child and spend time with them. As she rattled off a few more simple things she wished for, I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks. I realized that I had what she was looking for and frankly, I wasn’t going to give him up.  My next thought was, “she wants what most of us women have around here.  Just a good man.”  I realized how blessed I was to have the good man in my life that I did. I also realized that I was blessed beyond measure to be surrounded by so many truly good men. Think about it. Compared to the rest of the world, the men we have in the gospel are truly good and righteous men. And many women out “in the world” would kill to have what we have– even in our “disfunction.” That day many things changed for me. I began to be grateful for my good husband and all he does for me and my family. I vowed I would be less critical of him. And guess what? My whole marriage changed. I began to appreciate all of the little things in my marriage and all of the bad began to wash away. I realized my husband wasn’t perfect, although at times he tries to tell us he is. ;o) But I realized that he was BECOMING and that he was progressing and was so much more that when we first got married. He still was the person I fell in love with and had those good qualities and the potential to become what I saw as a young bride. To this day, I am grateful for that show. It opened my eyes to be more grateful for good and righteous men.

A few years ago, I watched the movie “The Secret.” In it were a couple who were having a difficult time and hadn’t slept in the same room for a year, it seems. After watching “The Secret” everything changed for them. I remember seeing this couple on Oprah and telling her how “the Secret” changed their marriage. Since viewing “The Secret,” I found myself reading other things and being drawn to a home study course. (I’ve mentioned this before.) In my training since then, I’ve began to understand what the real “secret” is…just like what I experienced that day watching the TV show….it is gratitude and focusing on the good rather than the bad.

Because we attract what we think about, we can attract anything into our marriage. Infidelity occurs because someone began “thinking” about what “it would be like if…..,” then they brought that about. A book that really helps to understand this is called “Hidden Treasures” by Leslie Householder.

Although she comes from a financial standpoint for this book, it is about the laws that govern our life and if practiced will help with every aspect of our life. (Watch “The Secret”, too.)

Another experience I had was that one day I wanted to go to a ball game out of town and for some reason, things were tight and I didn’t even have $10. I asked my husband for some money and he didn’t have/want to give it to me. I became frustrated and angry and said some unkind things. A few minutes later, a voice came in my head that said, “That wasn’t fair. You are acting like a spoiled child. This man has worked your entire marriage and provided well for you. With things being tight right now, think of how he feels not being able to provide for his family in the way he wishes. He is probably angry because it is killing him to not have it to give.” I was totally taken aback. I went home and apologized to him and thanked him for all he has done for me over the years. I told him that he has been a good provider and that I know I can trust him to always take care of us. I told him that I appreciated him and appreciated the fact that he has worked hard us.

Later he said to me, “Thank you. You have no idea what that meant to me.”

Think about us as mothers. Don’t we get frustrated with all of the work and no appreciation.  I mean really, does anyone ever come home and say, “Thanks for doing my laundry! The dishes look great!” Not usually or often. Well, how many times have we shown gratitude to our husbands. Do we thank them at the end of the day? It’s usually, “Dad, can I have some money for….?” Or “honey, we need to fix this or buy that.” I’m sure it is difficult to feel appreciated. They think we only want them for their money. Boy, have I got some repenting to do!!!

Here’s another thing I have realized lately…Do I pray for my husband? Not the “please help him to see it my way” or “fix him for me” kind of prayer. ;o) But really pray for him to have strength and courage in these difficult times. To be able to provide and protect the way he would like. To be watched over and protected while he is working. To be blessed with the spirit to guide and direct our family. This has been my most recent “revelation” as to what I can do to be a strength and “helpmeet” to him. It’s amazing what happens when WE change….then they start to treat us very differently. I’ve experienced that!!

Another thought…

A few months ago, while thinking about marriage, I came to the conclusion that we choose a companion based on their potential. When we are all starry-eyed and in love, somehow we see the great person our companion can become. We see this greatness and potential and know we have married someone wonderful. Things only begin to change when something happens that is not in line with this GREAT person we married. Perhaps, this wonderful person leaves their clothes on the floor, or doesn’t squeeze the toothpaste correctly, or doesn’t jump right up to do the dishes after dinner. Pretty soon we let these little irritants creep in and upset us because this person all of a sudden is not what we pictured before we got married.

It occurred to me after this thought that sometimes we forget that we saw the POTENTIAL and we don’t give our companion time to BECOME what it is we saw in them. Sometimes it is because we FORGET who we are: what our true divine nature is, what our purpose is, and that we are truly great and are BECOMING what and who we should be. I think we need to give ourselves and our companions a little slack and realize that we are all progressing and moving forward.

I hope this helps. I’ve been down this path somewhat, too, and my marriage is better than ever. We still have rough days/weeks, but it is good to know that you love someone more now than you ever did.

At a friend’s kid’s wedding a few months ago, I heard the mother of the bride say at the luncheon, “May this day, your wedding day, be the day you look back on as the day you loved each other the least.”

We have to work at it. It’s hard to swallow your pride and take the first step in issuing kind words and deeds, but it is worth it!! I know!

Final thought….

Here’s another tidbit of advice that my husband told me years ago and I always pass it on to newlyweds….

“You can apostatize a marriage.”  I’m sure you get it, but apostasy comes from being critical and pointing out faults.  Just as we can apostatize from the church, we can apostatize a marriage or friendships by criticism…..

Now, go and show appreciation to those you love!!  They need it!!  And it just may save your marriage or your relationships!